a million little stars spelling out your name
by Becks Rylynn
Summary: Five ways Dean and Ruby could have ended up together following 5.22. Major AU.
1. everything and in between universe

_AN: I know, I know. I am officially a Very Bad Person for starting a five part fic when I've already got a bunch of WIP's. But what can I say? 5.22; Swan Song just **demands** fic. So, this is basically what the summary says. Five ways Swan Song could have ended with D/R. All of the mini-stories are unrelated and are not connected to each other. The first one takes place in the 'everything and in between' universe so it involves Ben. It's basically an alternate ending to that series as well as an alternate ending to 5.22._

* * *

**Title:**_ a million little stars spelling out your name  
_**Summary: **Five ways Dean and Ruby could have ended up together following 5.22. Major AU.  
**Pairing:** Dean/Ruby.  
**Genre:** Romance/General.  
**Rating:** T for language and themes.  
**Timeline: **Ranging from the past to directly after 5.22 to the future.  
**Spoilers:** Major spoilers for 5.22.  
**Warnings:** Character death and heavy AU.  
**Notes:** Main title from the song _Untouchable_ by Luna Halo. I know I _just_ did a story that had a title from that song, but this one just fit so well. Oh, and there is some IMPORTANT INFORMATION that you should know. Some of the mini-stories will take place in my other series. The 'everything and in between' universe, the 'Silver Ring' Series and the Lila Bray Winchester 'verse will all be featured in this collection.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters that you recognize.

* * *

**a million little stars spelling out your name**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

**/i/**

_god bless the child_

('everything and in between' universe)

* * *

In the end, death came and got them all.

Not literally, of course. But it sure as hell feels like it. Ben wasn't even there and he _still _feels like he's been beat up and put through the wringer. And then run over by a truck. Which then dragged him through a bunch of rusty nails. He had wanted to be there. He had begged and pleaded and threatened and thrown a tantrum of epic proportions but nothing shook his father. Sam faltered, Ruby faltered, Bobby faltered, even stoic Missouri and Cas freaking faltered a little bit.

But Dad was like a tower. A tower built of bone and flesh and the strongest determination there was. ''You are not coming with us, Benjamin. Not this time.''

And one by one they all said their goodbyes like they knew they would never see him again and left him kicking and screaming in Missouri's capable hands.

When they come back, apparently it's over. Apparently it isn't The End. But Ben's not exactly sure if this is better.

* * *

He wakes in the middle of the night to the feel of soft fingertips across his skin and the sound of quiet sniffles. When he opens his eyes, Ruby's there smiling softly as she sits next to him, smoothing his hair out of his eyes. There are tears rolling down her cheeks that glisten in the moonlight, her smile wobbles on her lips and never has Ben seen her look so broken. So _lost._ Because she's _Ruby_ and she doesn't break. And...And if something has broken her then it really can't be good. ''Hey, kiddo,'' she says and even her voice cracks.

But relief thrums through his veins like a powerful drug and she's alive so it can't be that bad, right? ''Ruby!'' Bolting upright in bed, he wraps his arms around her and pretends he doesn't feel the burn behind his eyes. ''You're okay.''

''I'm okay,'' she whispers. ''However....I'm still a little sore.''

He pulls away with a breathless ''sorry'' and there are all of these questions bubbling in his throat and he's not really sure if he wants to know the answer to them. ''Ruby,'' he whispers. And he can't quite manage to choke out the rest.

He loves Ruby, he really does. She's the closest thing to a mom he has left and she is totally meant for his dad (they just don't know it yet) and_ relief _doesn't even begin to describe the feeling in his chest at the knowledge she is all right. But...what about everyone else? What about Dad? What about _Sam?_

There's this feeling in the pit of his stomach, something crawling and horrid and he _knows_ someone isn't coming home. The tears shining on her cheeks only confirm that. He just doesn't know who.

Then the door creaks open and Dad comes in, all broken and tired and Ben is out of the bed and launching himself at his father within a millisecond. Dad holds on tighter than usual and when Ben sees the look in green eyes, he knows what happened and he knows who's been lost and then he cries like a little baby, but he can't bring himself to care because....

_Sam's gone._

* * *

Eventually they both slip out of the room when he lets them think he's cried himself to sleep. He's not asleep, he's not sure he'll ever be able to sleep again, he just wants to be left alone right now and he's all too aware that neither of them would have left him at all if they knew he was still awake.

And he wishes Mom were here because she'd know what to do. What to say. How to fix Dad. How to make things seem a little better and a little brighter. Because she could always do that just by smiling. A little voice in his head that shakes with grief whispers, _so could Sam._

The shadows under the door and Dad's urgent ''Ruby!'' is what gets Ben up and moving towards the door. Now, normally eavesdropping is not something he does a lot. Mostly because Dad _always_ somehow manages to catch him. (It's quite aggravating actually.) But when he opens the door and looks out at them he can't _not_ watch this go down.

''Sam wanted us to be happy,'' Dad's whispering, voice hoarse and quiet and not at all like Dad's.

Ruby glares at him through glassy eyes and shaking lips. ''How are we supposed to be _happy,_ Dean?''

Ben swallows, Dad winces, Ruby turns to walk away (probably because she looks like she's about to burst into tears again and everyone knows she hates when people see her cry).

''Marry me.''

Ruby stops in her tracks and Ben's eyes widen to the size of saucers. Okay...that was not how he was expecting it to go down. Down the hall, she turns and stares through wide, shining eyes, disbelief coating her blue irises. ''D-Dean....''

''We could go somewhere nice,'' Dad offers. ''Somewhere beautiful. Somewhere as beautiful as you are. Just you, me and Ben,'' he says, taking a step towards her. ''Jobs and houses and....apple pie,'' his voice cracks when he says apple pie. ''We could go to Ben's soccer games and cheer him on like normal parents. We could....We could have a little girl just like you. And we'll have barbeques and watch the stars at night and we'll read the kids fairytales at night and we won't tell them what's in the dark because they don't need to know and I'll mow the lawn and smile and we'll sit down to dinner like a family and we'll be normal and Ben won't be like me and I'll....I'll have you because all those women, they're not you. We could do it all. We could do it right. Don't you want that, Ruby? Don't we deserve it?'' And he's crying by the time he's finished.

Ben has been told numerous times that life is not a movie, but right now it sure feels like one.

She looks at him for a long time and Ben holds his breath. ''Isn't that life a trap?'' She whispers. ''Isn't that what you think? Isn't suburban life a trap to you, Dean? The life you're talking about....isn't it just locking us in a cage and throwing away the key?''

''It's not a trap,'' he says slowly. ''It's not a cage, Holly Golightly. It's just life. And it's the life Sam wants...._wanted_....for us. It's the life Sam made me promise to give to you. To all of us.''

''Dean,'' she says his name like it means something extraordinary, breathless and soft. ''What am I supposed to say? I...I mean, here you are and you're saying all of these wonderful things that I've waited for and you're asking me to _marry_ you and _I love you_, Dean, but how will I ever know if this is what you really want? How do I know I'm not just another one of your girls? How do I know that this is everything you want and not just everything you promised Sam? How do I live that life wondering if you're just doing it for Sam?''

''Because you're the_ right _one.'' He says it with finality and determination and it's the _truth._ Everyone knows it. Everyone's been waiting for Dean to wise up. It's just....really tragic that it took the almost end of the world and Sam's dying wish (Ben chokes back a sob) to make them realize they belong together. ''You're it.'' And when he moves towards her, she doesn't move away like she usually does. She stands perfectly still and they're both crying when he moves a hand to her cheek only it's not 'cause they're happy. ''You're it, Ruby. You're it for me.''

And it's everything Ben has wished for, everything he's waited for, wanted for his father and for Ruby. But it's unbearably hard to be happy when Death has just curled its twig like fingers around his family.

''Say okay,'' Dad's begging, looking at her with broken eyes. ''Say okay, Ruby.''

It takes a moment, either because she's trying to talk through her sobs, or because she's trying to decide what to do, and then she speaks. ''Okay,'' she rasps out, nodding. ''_Okay_.''

And then he kisses her with tears glimmering on both their cheeks and they're both holding on tighter than ever.

Ben shuts the door and can't help but think it's not fair that they got just an ending instead of a _happy _ending.

* * *

Sometimes, Ben wonders if their love story is even really a love story at all.

Do they love each other? Hell yeah.

Would they go to the ends of the earth for each other? Yes.

Would they die for each other? In a heartbeat.

Are they going to be together until they die? Chances are they're in this for the long haul, yes.

But that doesn't make it a love story. It just makes it a story with love in it. The thing is, true love stories are supposed to have pain and grief and suffering because it's not really love if everything's perfect. It's not really love without hardships and mind numbing devastation. It's what makes the love story all the more powerful. But...love stories generally have happy endings. At least the good ones do. And love stories are all about the love. All about the two people in love. They're always the main characters and all the other people, the supporting characters, just fade into the background like faded photographs held underwater.

So, no. This is not a love story.

Their story is a story of family and loyalty and pain and love is just there as a saving grace. Love was never in the original plan. (No, really. Chuck said it himself. ''Dean and Ruby's _epic love story _just kinda happened, shorty,'' he told Ben with a lopsided grin. ''That happens sometimes. People find each other on their own and they have to find the words to write their own story. And if they're meant to be they'll eventually realize their mutual_ Kyrumption_. ....Yeah, I watch _Angel_. So what? Just trust me on this, Ben Winchester. As an author, I can tell you one thing. Love strikes when you least expect it. It's like lightning. Except with more touching and usually no one dies. _Usually_.'')

Love was a surprising but important addition to the story.

But the story always has and always will begin and end with family.

Because when you're a Winchester, family is the only thing that matters.

* * *

**One Year Later:**

Ben Winchester has a dirty little secret that he will never in a million years tell his father....

....He doesn't really like soccer. In fact, he kind of hates it. With, like....a fiery passion. He doesn't understand the point, the uniforms are dorky, his teammates are all cruel preteens and he loathes them all and he doesn't care about winning. But he's very good at it and when he sees Dad cheering on the sidelines he knows it is totally worth it.

Dad puts on a baseball cap, sits in the bleachers like all the other dads, old leather jackets and bloodstained clothing replaced by t-shirts and jeans without holes and he smiles like he means it. Which he does. And that's why it's totally worth it. ''I will not let you ruin my Soccer Dad moment,'' is always Dad's lazy remark when Ruby laughs at him.

Ruby pulls her hair into a ponytail, places oversized sunglasses over her eyes and sits next to Dad, flipping through magazines absently. And she tries to look uninterested and she always tells Ben that she doesn't really give a crap about soccer, but somehow she always knows the right time to cheer and that's pretty telling, don't you think?

They're not exactly the Cleavers. But they're _normal_.

However....

....There's always that weight hanging over them, that memory that won't go away, that little voice that tells them in no uncertain terms that _something is missing, you fools._

* * *

It's a warm Saturday afternoon and Ben's team has just won a game (and yes, Ben is happy. But that has more to do with Dad and Ruby's incredibly entertaining reaction to _his_ winning goal than anything else) and there is mud splashed on his uniform and specks of dirt on his face but he's actually, really and truly happy right now (again, their reaction to the win? Priceless) and he's determined to keep that feeling for as long as he can.

Things in life are calm. There's apple pie and normalcy and while Dad and Ruby are not legally married (''Do me a favor, Dean,'' she had said, clasping her hands. ''_Never_ marry me. I don't want to be like the others'') they're pretty much in it forever and there's a house and a lawn and he's not supposed to know this but apparently he's going to be a big brother (Dad and Ruby can do many things. Keeping her pregnancy a secret is not one of them) and the world is still here.

''Dude!'' Dad's saying as he claps a hand onto Ben's shoulder, his grin wide and genuine. ''I think that game deserves pizza.''

Ruby lowers her sunglasses to peer at him. ''You having another Soccer Dad moment there, buddy?''

''Stuff it, Ruby.''

''That's no way to talk to your woman.''

Dad smirks at her. ''I like it when you refer to yourself as my woman.''

''Okay!'' Ben steps in between them, arching an eyebrow. ''I'm going to have to step in before you two decide to do it on the soccer field. That would be embarrassing.''

''Yeah, and I think we've already embarrassed him enough for one day.'' Ruby laughs, reaching out to pat Dad's cheek affectionately. ''Well, you did anyway. You and your little victory dance.''

''Know what? When we get home I'm going to mow the lawn and make you put on that white sundress and serve me lemonade just for that comment.''

She blinks. ''Why can't you just have naughty school girl fantasies like every other guy on the planet?''

''That's dull. Besides, we've already - ''

''Whoa!'' Ben holds up his hands, grimacing at the mental image. ''Can you two_ please _have this conversation in private? Before people start thinking we're a bunch of freaks.''

''Oh, honey,'' Ruby drawls. ''We_ are _freaks.''

''We'll finish this conversation later,'' Dad promises Ruby.

''So,'' Ben grins like a Winchester and looks up at Dad. ''You said something about pizza?''

Yes, life is calm.

But when Dad and Ruby make their way to the car, Ben feels the unmistakable feeling of eyes on him and he turns around and there he is, leaning against a tree in the distance, watching from the sidelines. The missing piece. Ben's eyes widen and he races forwards, but by the time he reaches the space his uncle was standing, he's gone and life isn't so calm anymore.

* * *

And the story always has and always will begin and end with family.

**end**

* * *

**AN: And there you have it. Story one is complete. It didn't really go along with what happened in the 'eaib' universe so I suppose that would make it more of a spin off of the series. Anyone get that **_**Breakfast at Tiffany's **_**reference in there? Okay, the next one could either be a 'Silver Ring' Series version of 5.22 or a Lila Bray Winchester 'verse spin off.**


	2. The 'Silver Ring' Series

_AN: So...it only took me, what? Three months? Well, sue me. At least I've got another one, right? Anyway, this is another way 5.22; Swan Song could have ended with a D/R twist. And this one takes place in the 'Silver Ring' Series, which I have really missed writing for._

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

* * *

**a million little stars spelling out your name**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

**/ii/**

_shatter_

('Silver Ring' Series)

* * *

It was almost sickening how fast he lost it all.

Cas got blown to bits, Bobby got his neck snapped and Ruby...Ruby was there one minute and the next thing he knew, her eyes had widened and she was on the ground with her very own knife plunged deep into her stomach. ''Well,'' Lucifer had said, clapping hands that weren't his own together as if to get rid of imaginary dust. ''I think it was a _very _fitting death, don't you? The last thing she saw...was you. Appropriate, no?''

And Sam...Sam..._Sammy_...

Everything was gone, just like that and it didn't matter what Sam had said. No, things were not going to be fucking okay.

Dean Winchester never had much. He had his brother, his father, Bobby and his car. And then he had his brother, Ruby, Bobby and his car. And then he had his brother, Ruby, Cas, Bobby and his car.

But _now_...now he's on his knees, bloody and gravely wounded and quite possibly dying himself and all he's got is dust and memories of his brother's touch and a stupid fucking silver ring that doesn't mean a thing without her. All he's got left to cling to is the physical pain that allows him to momentarily ignore the emotional turmoil he will inevitably have to go through.

_''You take Ruby and you give her something real. Something better than this. You give her everything, Dean. A real marriage with kids and a white picket fence and normal life. You've both fought so hard for me. You deserve a life together. Promise me, Dean. Promise me!''_

The memory makes him shiver. But the pain makes him whimper like a frightened and lost little child. He's had his moments before, the dark ones where he thinks if he just wasn't here maybe things would be easier for the people around him. He's had days where the tightness in his chest gets so horrible he can't breathe. But then Ruby grazes her fingertips across his cheek or Sam smiles and it's all okay. But now...Well, what the fuck does he have now?

But then there's Cas. There's_ always _Cas. Cas who takes away all his physical pain before Dean can tell him to ''stop, I like it this way.''

And then there's Bobby. And then there's Ruby. And then there's Sa - no, wait. That one, Cas _cannot_ fix.

Cas heals Bobby like it's child's play, carefully heals Ruby like she's something special (and to a lot of people, she is something special) and...that's pretty much it. And now Dean's got something. He's got people to cling to, people to hold on to. But he doesn't have Sam.

And those dark little thoughts in his head worm in and out of his brain and poison his heart with visions of swallowing a bullet because he doesn't have Sam. Because he's Dean freaking Winchester and he's not sure who he's supposed to be without Sam.

* * *

She loves Sam.

Not like she loves Dean, but it's love all the same. It's something dark and powerful inside of her, something that evil cannot touch. It scares her how much she loves those boys. It terrifies her what she would do for them.

Love wasn't supposed to inflict her with its virus like feeling, but it did. Her humanity was supposed to be burned away forever, but it wasn't. She is a walking contradiction, she knows that. It'd be pretty damn hard not to know it. She's everything a demon is not supposed to be. She feels what other demons do not. And she has never ever wanted to be like one of the others. Ever. She's not some evil creature with no feelings and no soul. But now...

Sam's...Sam's all _gone_ and Dean's all _shattered_ and she loves them both _so much _and...she would like nothing more than to feel nothing. Breaking down is another thing that would also possibly work. Also, alcohol. Unfortunately, none of those are options for her right now. She can't just not feel, she can't afford to break down and she can't drink. So...basically this fucking sucks.

And she can feel it in the air, in his touch...

...In many ways, Sam Winchester is what brought them together. She wanted to help him, he wanted to protect him. Sam Winchester brought them together, that much is true. Sam Winchester's death is going to be what tears them apart.

* * *

''I healed you.''

Ruby halts and turns to throw an impatient look over her shoulder at Castiel. With a sigh, she rolls her eyes and turns back around, crossing her arms over her chest. ''Yes,'' she agrees. ''You did.'' A smirk briefly flickers on her lips before she lets it fall away because it just doesn't feel right to smirk at the moment. ''You fishin' for a thank you, wings?''

''No,'' Castiel deadpans. ''Ruby, are you aware that - ''

She pales, taking a step forwards, eyes hard and frustrated and possibly a little desperate. ''Yes,'' she says quickly, tossing a look behind her to where Dean is waiting for them, eyes cast downwards, shoulders practically trembling with the effort not to break. ''I know. Shut up and don't say a word to Dean. All right?''

He blinks at her, but nods in understanding. ''All right. You will tell him eventually though?''

She scoffs. ''Of course I will.''

Maybe.

* * *

Dean's about ninety five percent sure this is a promise he cannot keep. Live a normal life with a white picket fence and kids, Dean. Yeah, he doesn't see that happening anytime soon. How is he supposed to fucking do that? How is he supposed to just...let Sam go? He's never been able to do that.

Sam left for Stanford.

Dean dragged him back into this life because Dad was missing and Dean was Dean and Sam was _Sammy._ Dean was a selfish big brother who needed his little brother like he needed air.

Sam died.

Dean brought him back with lips pressed to the Crossroads Demon's because Sam couldn't just fade away like words washed away by rain and Sam wasn't supposed to go first.

It's the same old song time and time again, like a record that skips and repeats over and over, and Dean doesn't know how to just _change_ it. Life just doesn't work that way.

* * *

When Dean breaks, when the adrenaline wears off and he's too tired to fight the tears in his eyes, Sam is (for the first time _ever_) not there to catch him. And that right there is like a knife to the heart because Winchesters are always supposed to catch each other. But...Sam is not there when Dean falls this time. Not there when it all catches up to him, when the roaring in his ears gets too loud to handle and he finds himself destroying a motel room with his hands, screaming and cursing and throwing a fit until he can't breathe around the cries and his hands are bleeding because he's clawed at the walls like a caged wild animal. And Sam is _not. There_.

Neither, for that matter, is Ruby.

She has tried to be strong for Dean, she has tried to hold him up, to take care of him (because she promised Sam she would take care of him) and she has not let herself scream yet either. And then she opens the door and she was only gone for a few minutes but in those few minutes Dean has managed to find the means to destroy himself yet again. She opens the door and he's on his knees in the midst of an overturned motel room, sobbing into his hands. She whispers his name like it's a prayer even though it's been a long while since she's prayed (except if she's being honest, it hasn't been that long at all) and he looks up at her through shining eyes that make her tremble.

''I can still _see him_, Ruby. I can still see him when I close my eyes a-and he's smiling and laughing...but then I open my eyes and he's gone,'' he's babbling, staring up at her desperately. ''And he's not coming home this time. He's gone, Ruby...Sammy's...'' And then he cries because what else can he do?

And somewhere in between staring in horror at the scene before her (she's seen Dean broken. She _has_. But she's never seen _this_) and cradling him like a baby...she breaks too.

* * *

''You haven't told him.''

Ruby doesn't jump at the sound of Castiel's voice. Does not comment on the fact that he should be perched on a cloud somewhere or whatever. Instead, she folds her arms across her stomach and swallows the lump in her throat. ''I will.''

''Will you?''

To tell you the truth...she doesn't know. ''He can't handle it right now,'' she whispers. ''Besides,'' she adds. ''I've got awhile before I have to tell him. There's a few months before...'' She trails off and draws in a deep breath of the fresh air. ''Before it gets too hard to hide.''

''Months pass quickly.''

She presses her lips together and does not say a word.

''Dean Winchester is many things,'' he speaks in that low, gravelly voice of his, right next to her ear. ''Stupid is not one of them. Sooner or later, he will notice what's happening to you.''

She smirks briefly and turns around to face him. ''You make it sound like some horrible disease. What's happening to me.'' She rolls her eyes and scoffs. ''It's not a death sentence, wings.''

''He'll see the changes, Ruby.''

''Why do you even care?'' She bursts out, narrowing her eyes in anger. ''Why do you care so much about this? How is it your business?''

Castiel looks towards Dean's distracted figure in the distance and frowns because he can't see the Dean he used to see. ''He gives me a purpose. That's my business.'' (And that, she thinks, is quite possibly the closest he will ever come to admitting he loves Dean like Dean loved Sam.)

She sighs and closes her eyes, but can't manage to muster up the strength to make some sort of witty remark. She knows all too well what it feels like to have Dean Winchester give you a purpose. ''I'll tell him.'' And then she turns and walks away from him and goes towards Dean's figure in the distance.

Castiel stares after her, small frown on his lips. ''You won't.''

* * *

Dean goes missing on a sunny morning in June and she panics like she has never panicked before because Dean is all that she has left. (Almost.) She finds him sitting on a bench in a local park, staring at the laughing children with eyes that long for something she can't see.

She takes a moment to compose herself; there's no reason why he should know she nearly lost it when she thought he was missing, and then takes a seat next to him, smirking that easy smirk that looks effortless but takes all of her strength to smooth over her lips nowadays. ''You know,'' she drawls. ''It doesn't look good for a guy in scruffy clothing to be sitting alone staring at kids. Makes you look like a sicko.''

He tosses her a half hearted smirk. ''I don't give off the whole 'Dad' vibe?''

Her throat closes up and she looks at the ground, unable to answer. Actually, he_ does _give off the 'Dad' vibe. His weakness is children. Always has been, always will be. She told him once he was born to be a father and she was right. But...it's different with her and that is...so not the point right now.

''What are you doing here, Dean?'' She finally manages to force out.

He sighs a long, tired sigh and looks at her with careful consideration. After a moment, he shakes his head and looks back at the playground, eyes landing on something in the distance. ''See that family?'' He gestures lazily towards a young couple in the distance. The father is pushing his son on the swings while the mother looks on with one of the widest smiles Ruby has ever seen gracing her lips. ''That's what Sam wants us to have,'' Dean says. He clears his throat. ''_Wanted_,'' he corrects weakly. ''That's what Sam wanted.''

She grits her teeth against an unpleasant wave of nausea that rolls through her like waves. ''Really?''

''Mmmhmm.''

She almost laughs a little at the irony. But she grimaces instead. ''Huh.''

''He saved the world,'' Dean says after a moment of silence. ''He saved the whole world and...nobody will ever know.'' His eyes follow the young couple as they walk away. ''Nobody will ever know what we've done. What he did. How close it came to...stopping. Doesn't seem fair, does it?''

''No,'' she rasps. ''It doesn't.''

''I like it here,'' he says after a moment passes, reaching over to take her hand, his fingers absently twirling the silver ring on her finger. ''Let's stay.''

''Here? In this park?''

He chuckles. ''In this town.''

Her breath catches and she tries to imagine settling down, but all she can see is a hazy picture of a future that is incomplete without Sam. ''You really want to stay?''

He hesitates for a long time, watching the children play, and then he sighs. ''I don't know.''

They stay.

* * *

The time passes too quickly for her taste. He gets a job, she gets a job, they get an apartment.

Her shirts get tighter and he still doesn't know.

* * *

She's keeping something from him. Hiding it away like it's a shameful secret. A burden she does not want to have. And really, he'd have to be blind, deaf and dumb to not know what it is. She's getting sick a lot more than she used to (which was pretty much, you know, _never_), she's eating things she would never eat normally, her hormones are scaring him (although, he admits, those frequent tears could have absolutely nothing to do with hormones and everything to do with grief) and she's gaining weight. And Dean Winchester can make a list of all of his negative traits that could reach all the way to where Sam is, but being an idiot is not one of them. He knows what's happening.

He just doesn't know why she hasn't told him yet. Is she waiting until the thing pops out to let him know? Is she afraid of telling him? Well...he can't really blame her for that. Perhaps he has been a little bit distant lately. He's just...he's finding it so hard to feel these days. The days go by so slowly, they drag on forever and he can't feel a thing. He lives on autopilot, he eats, he sleeps, he breathes and he loves her like he should. But he doesn't feel the way he should feel.

Without Sam, there should be nothing. There should be ashes and dust and a barren wasteland of nothing, but that's not how it works. The world keeps going round and round and he's still here. He's just numb. That's the way the story goes now. He can't feel anything and she feels too much.

And this is the part where he should feel terrified, right? About her and her little secret? It should scare him. Or maybe he should twirl her around in joy because he's always liked kids, hasn't he? And all he's ever really wanted is a family of his own, right? Things should be different. This should make him _feel. _But it doesn't.

The sad thing is, he thinks he might prefer it this way. He thinks he prefers pretending he doesn't know. Because when the day comes where she tells him, she'll expect him to have some sort of reaction, won't she? She'll expect him to care a lot more than he does right now. And right now he tries and tries, but he just can't quite remember what it's like to care about anything but Sam.

* * *

''Ruby.''

She doesn't even startle when the voice filters throughout the previously empty room, rolling over to face him with dull eyes. ''What?'' She snaps out. ''I know I have to tell him, okay. You don't need to - ''

''That's not why I'm here.''

She sighs heavily, pushing herself into a sitting position in the bed. ''Then why are you here?''

''Contrary to what you think, I never particularly disliked you.''

She scoffs. ''Could've fooled me.''

''You are an abomination, that's true.''

She tenses and clenches her jaw.

''But that stopped meaning anything to me long ago.''

Well, okay, this is officially the weirdest conversation she's ever had with AngelBoy and they've had some pretty weird ones. With a curious frown, she tilts her head to the side and stares at him for a very long time. ''Castiel,'' she begins slowly. ''Are you trying to hit on me or something?''

''I...don't believe so.''

''Good. Because I'm positive that would go against the BFF code thing you have going on with Dean.''

''I don't understand that abbreviation.''

''_What_ are you doing here?'' She finally asks, nervously toying with the comforter. ''Don't you have things to do? Order to restore or what the fuck ever? And why do you keep coming to see me?'' She pushes herself onto her knees to glare at him. ''Don't you realize that Dean and I...we're trying to deal with some stuff and you keep popping in here to talk to me and...why? Why me? Why don't you go see Dean, okay? He...He needs you.''

''It's...unusually hard to look at Dean when I know I can't stay.''

She deflates like a balloon and collapses back in the bed. ''That's called love.''

''Ruby,'' he warns. ''Love is a very big word.''

''Tell me why you're here.''

Perhaps it's the way her voice sounds that makes his eyes darken in something like pain. Maybe it's the exhaustion in her eyes or the way she stares at the ceiling like she's trying to see the clouds or maybe it's her hands, positioned carefully on her stomach. More than likely, it's the air in the room that seems thick and tinged with a grieving family's screams for Sam. Whatever it is, when he speaks up, his voice is soft and the sadness in it catches her attention. ''People forget about us,'' he says. ''Everyone thinks about Dean. What he's lost. They seem to forget that we lost Sam too.''

She closes her eyes, puts her hands over her face and wishes she could go back to sleep because her eyes are starting to burn and if she starts crying, she'll never stop.

''The truth is, Ruby, you and I are a lot alike. We're both terribly saddened over the loss of Sam Winchester, we both love Dean Winchester and we both feel more than we should. I suppose I'm just trying to understand why that is.''

''Castiel,'' she whispers, hauling herself to her feet. ''Did you come here to comfort or to be comforted?''

''I don't know anymore.''

She smiles softly instead of making a smart ass comment because she's too tired and too sad to be bitchy anymore. ''I guess,'' she says, placing a hand on his cheek gently. ''You and I are just a couple of misfits, wings. We feel everything and it hurts and honestly, we don't understand why. We can't. Maybe it's those Winchester boys because they...they love with everything they have and they _want_ everything so much and maybe it's just...impossible not to feel that. Maybe it's just impossible not to love them back. Maybe...they're supposed to be our humanity. Did you ever think of that?''

''It would be easier. Not to feel.''

''It would.'' She draws her hand away and tosses him a brief smirk that almost looks like the ones she used to wear. ''But life is rarely easy.''

He contemplates all of this for a moment and then heaves a sigh, looking up to meet her eyes. ''Ruby, is this - ''

''Yes,'' she cuts him off. She halts in her attempts to fix her hair and gives him a sad smile in the mirror. ''This is what it feels like to miss someone.''

* * *

It's true what she says about a Winchester's love. Winchester's love with a force to be reckoned with. They're all so terrified of loving but once they love, they never stop. They almost love too much. If a Winchester man loves you, it's impossible not to know it. Few people know how incredibly intoxicating it is to have a Winchester love you. But even fewer know that the love a Winchester may have for you is nothing compared to the love they have for each other.

It's almost scary.

The things they would do for each other, the way they smile when they're with each other, the way they talk, walk...everything's different when they're together. And everything's fucked when they're apart.

Dean is halfway dead without Sam.

Ruby's known that since the day Sam died. It just took her awhile to realize how much that scared the crap out of her. The day Dean stops talking is the day she gets scared that one day, he's going to get tired of being halfway dead and decide to go all the way, leaving her all alone with their little secret and a ring that doesn't mean much without him. The silence is much louder than any screaming match they have ever had. She's always hated silence. It's always been so rare between them that she never had to worry. But ever since Sam...there's been a hell of a lot more silence. This silence, the one that gets under her skin and poisons her blood, is the one she decides to break.

''Dean...'' She sits down on the coffee table, blocking his view of the television, which she's pretty sure he's not actually watching. ''I'm pregnant.''

And there it is.

The dirty little secret she had been so terrified of saying out loud. The unsaid tension between them. The burden she's been carrying all alone. The one thing she hopes will somehow resuscitate him before he goes off the deep end.

He looks at her for a moment and then his lips curve into a small smirk. ''You don't say.''

''You knew?''

''Do you think I'm an idiot? Of course I knew?''

''Why...'' She clears her throat because her mouth suddenly feels very dry and she barely reacts as he tugs her onto the couch beside him. ''Why didn't you say anything?''

''What did you want me to say?'' He asks calmly. ''You obviously didn't want me to know.''

She turns to look at him and catches sight of the frustration lurking below the eerie calmness that seems to have taken him over. He's not acting like her Dean anymore. He hardly ever acts like her Dean anymore. He's too tired and too broken to be the man she fell in love with these days. ''It's not that I didn't want you to know,'' she rasps out. ''I just thought you had a lot to deal with and I...'' She gives up, shaking her head tiredly. ''Things are...'' _Things are broken now,_ she wants to say. _You're broken now. _''Things are different now. We're different.'' He doesn't respond and she gets desperate, clutching at his hand like it's a life preserver. ''We never talked about kids, Dean. We never talked about...any of this.'' She looks up at him, searching for any kind of emotion. ''Why didn't we?''

He sighs and lifts a shoulder in a shrug. ''Because we thought we were going to die?''

''I always tried not to think that.''

''I never stopped thinking about it.''

''That's...really morbid.''

''Yeah, well, things got pretty morbid for awhile there.'' He shakes his head and his gaze strays to the ceiling. She curls into his side like she's trying to keep him anchored and the fear she feels is not lost on him. He can feel it in her touch. ''For a long time, I just knew I was going to die, Ruby. I didn't think. I_ knew_. And I wasn't afraid or angry. I was waiting. And now I'm not. I'm not dead and I'm not going to die, but...some part of me feels like I should be.''

And he's officially scaring her.

Her eyes are shining when she looks at him and she'd love to make things better, but there are no words in the world that will fix him. There are no words in the world that will fix her either. They've been shattered too many times to count and this time, there are pieces missing. It would make her feel better to blame the tears trickling down her cheeks on the hormones, but she knows that has nothing to do with the ache in her throat or the salty drops on her cheeks. Terrified she's losing him; she hides her face in his shoulder and tries to hold on for as long as she can.

She thinks he doesn't hear her whispered plea, but he does and it's just enough to make him feel something for about a fraction of a second. ''Don't leave me,'' she whispers and he...wishes he could still cry.

* * *

The next morning, she looks at him and all she can see is the shadows Sam left behind.

She says, ''We're having a baby, Dean.''

He says, ''Looks that way, Ruby.''

And it doesn't make a difference at all.

* * *

Telling him about the baby was supposed to bring him back to her. It was supposed to bring them both back. It was supposed to be like a little bit of hope returning to the hopeless. It was supposed to make things a little bit better. But the truth is, he doesn't seem to care and she's been resenting this kid ever since she found out about it. It's supposed to be a precious little miracle. It's supposed to make them feel overjoyed.

The truth is bitter and awful. The truth is neither of them really care about this baby like they should.

* * *

Times goes by and things don't get better.

After he misses the last three doctor's appointments, she stops telling him about them. They don't talk about the baby, they barely acknowledge it at all and then one day, she just gives up. It's an ordinary day. The sky outside is gray and threatens rain and in an effort to either be domestic (or to avoid looking at her growing stomach), Dean's under the sink attempting to fix something that isn't really broken when he should be attempting to fix himself. The kitchen still smells like coffee, her hair isn't brushed and that's when it happens.

''Maybe we shouldn't do this.''

''Do what?''

''_This._ Be parents. Maybe we shouldn't do it.''

''Uh...Ruby, you're kind of already pregnant. I don't think we have a choice.''

''There's _always_ a choice. Maybe...'' She pauses and even though he can't see her, he knows she's biting her lip like she does when she's hesitating. ''Maybe we should give this baby up, Dean.''

That's it.

That's the moment Dean realizes he's an asshole.

The wrench in his hands slips from his hands and nearly hits him on the head and when he leaps to his feet, the world stops. He stands so he can tell Ruby she's crazy and winds up thinking he's finally lost his mind instead. Eyes widening, he moves out from behind the counter and stares open mouthed at the sight before him.

''Dude,'' Sam says, taking a seat next to Ruby. ''You have completely and totally fucked up. You both have.''

''...Sammy?''

''What?'' Sam frowns and leans forwards. ''Why are you looking at me like that?''

''You're...You're...''

''Dean, you're hallucinating.''

''No shit! There's a dead guy standing in my kitchen! Drinking my coffee!''

''Yeah, there really is. Well, everyone knows you've been losing your mind these past few months.'' Sam grins at him and takes a sip of his coffee. ''I mean, first of all you've gone all emotionless bastard, second of all, you have shown no interest in your unborn child and third of all, you're wearing Ruby down into a premature grave. Let's look at her for a second, okay?'' He moves to place his hands on Ruby's shoulders and Dean studies her like he's waiting for her to scream or show any reaction at all to the dead guy in the room. She has no reaction at all. In fact, he's pretty sure she can't see either of them. Well, super.

''Is this some sort of, Dean Winchester, this is your life thing?''

''Yes. Now shut up. I'm helping you.'' With a lazy smirk, he drapes an arm around his still slightly freaked out brother's shoulders.

''What are we doing?''

''We're looking at Ruby. Now, don't you see?'' Sam breaks away from Dean and leans across the counter to touch Ruby's cheek. ''Don't you see how hurt she is? She's gotten paler, you know. She doesn't sleep well or eat well and if you had gone to those doctor's appointments, you'd know she's not putting on enough weight to be considered healthy. Don't you get that? While you're off brooding about not being able to feel, she's here feeling for the both...for the_ three _of you and it's killing her.'' He turns around to meet Dean's eyes and Sam doesn't look nearly as cheerful as he did before, dark eyes pleading with his brother. ''Do you see the mess we've created, Dean?''

Dean reluctantly tears his eyes away from Ruby. ''We?''

Sam laughs and shakes his head. ''That's another problem, big bro. You seem to forget that she lost me too. She loved me too Dean and losing me hurt her just like it hurt you. Clearly I was her favourite,'' he pauses to smirk. ''Ruby's in pain too. Do you realize that you never once asked her how she was doing? She's trying so hard to make you better and you've never asked her if she's okay. Don't you realize how selfish that is? How much of a dick it makes you?''

''Sam - ''

''She doesn't want you to die, Dean.''

''What?'' Dean's eyes slide to Ruby briefly and he tries, he tries his damndest to see that she's fine, but he can't. ''I'm not dying.''

''Yes, you are.''

He opens his mouth to argue, but finds he can't. He really has no argument to that. He has been dying. It's an agonizingly slow process, but he's dying day by day. It's not like he means to. It's just that without Sam...who is he supposed to be? ''I don't understand what you want me to do, Sam,'' he finally manages to rasp out. ''This is a real great guilt trip and all, but what can I do about it? You're still dead and I can't live with you dead. Don't you remember that? That was a promise.''

''Dean,'' Sam says seriously. ''It's time for you to step up. It's okay to hurt and be sad and scream and yell and cry. But it's also okay to move on. You're allowed to be happy, Dean. I won't be mad. I don't understand why you're so...drastic when I'm not there.''

''Sam, you're...you _were_...all I had.''

''Except that's the thing,'' Sam nods towards Ruby. ''I wasn't all you had. You had her.''

''Okay! You know what?'' Dean holds his hands up in surrender, turning away from Sam. ''Just because you decided to make me feel like an ass doesn't magically make things better, Sam. You're dead. Maybe things just can't be better anymore.''

''...You're acting like a child.''

''_You're _acting like a child.''

There's a moment of silence and even though Dean's getting more and more angry as the minutes pass (mostly with himself), he has this terrifying moment of panic and when he whirls around, he expects Sam to be gone without a goodbye. His brother is, instead, silently and critically studying him. With a shake of his head, Sam moves away from Dean and moves to brush a strand of hair away from Ruby's face. ''She'll give him up if you two keep living like this. She's scared and grieving and you haven't done a thing to reassure her that everything will be okay. If you're not careful, Dean, you're going to lose them both. However far gone you may be, I know you don't want that.''

That's when Dean starts to feel. There's a lump in his throat and an ache in his heart and he can't remember why he ever thought it was better if he didn't feel. ''Did you...Did you say _him_? The baby...it's a boy?''

Sam smiles that same soft smile Dean remembers and tilts his head to the side. ''Go home, Dean.''

''You were supposed to be my home.''

''That's not the way it works anymore.''

He's jolted out of his hallucination by Ruby's voice saying, ''Maybe we should give this baby up, Dean,'' and the wrench he feels in his hand slips.

''What?'' He's on his feet in less than a second, staring at her with wide eyes, breathing slightly ragged. ''No. Why would you...No. No way. That's our kid. That's our _baby_.''

''Oh, so _now_ you care?''

''Of course I care,'' he bites back. ''Why wouldn't I care? That's _my. Kid._''

She shoots him a glare, rising to her feet. ''You haven't cared for the past six months, Dean. You haven't said one word about the baby, you haven't come to one doctor's appointment, you haven't even felt it kick. Why do you care now all of a sudden? Hmm?''

''Because Sam...'' He trails off and can't quite manage to finish his sentence. What's he going to say? His dead brother hijacked his mind and told him off? Yeah, that'll go over well. She flinches at Sam's name and he sighs. ''Ruby, I always cared. I just...I was...''

''Look,'' she says quietly. ''I get it, okay? It hurts. It hurts all the time because that was _Sam_. And I know what he meant to you. But he was _Sam_ to me too. ''

''I _know_ that, Ruby. I - ''

''Dean, you haven't even showed a little bit of interest in this kid since I told you and...what? All of a sudden you're over the moon?'' She scoffs lightly and shakes her head. ''You know what, if you really want this baby then prove to me you're a father. Give me one good reason why I should do this with you.''

* * *

On a Saturday, Lisa Braeden opens the door to the last person she ever expected to see.

''Dean!'' Her eyes widen in surprise and a smile breaks out on her face before she can stop herself, rushing forwards to wrap her arms around him. The last time she saw Dean Winchester, he was incredibly quiet, stopping by with Ruby for a few days to assure her and Ben that everything was fine and the world was not going to end and Sam was...

Well, he had never actually been able to say the words. But she pretty much got the picture. She's never really understood why Dean feels it's so necessary that he look out for her and Ben, but she's about 65% sure it has something to do with the way he looks at Ben. (We all have our secrets and Lisa Braeden is no different.)

''You look better,'' she murmurs, pulling away from him and smoothing down his jacket.

He smiles. ''Yeah. I'm...gettin' there.''

''Dean!'' Lisa catches sight of her son over Dean's shoulder and the poor guy doesn't even have time to react before Ben is launching himself onto Dean's back. ''You're here! Why are you here? How long are you staying? Is Ruby here?''

''Whoa, kid. _Volume_.''

Ben laughs (loudly) and slides off Dean's back, grinning up at him with something akin to hero worship in his eyes.

''It's good to see you too, kiddo,'' Dean smiles, ruffling Ben's hair.

''Why don't you come in?'' Lisa offers, stepping aside to let Dean in. ''And tell me why you're here. Is everything all right? Is Ruby okay?''

''Everything's fine. Ruby's...Ruby's pregnant.''

''Well,'' Lisa smiles widely. ''Congratulations. You two must be excited.''

_Yeah._

''Yeah. Anyway, that's why I'm here. I kind of need your help.''

* * *

When Ruby comes home, she is bombarded by the smell of paint. And since the smell of paint made her nauseous before she was pregnant, it is twice as bad now. ''Ugh,'' she grimaces and covers her mouth and nose, eyes flicking to the clock. ''Dean! Dean, are you home?''

''In here!''

''Where?''

''Spare bedroom. Get in here, woman! I want to show you something.''

''Did you paint something?'' When she gets no answer, she sighs and drops her keys on the counter, making her way down the hall. ''Dean,'' she calls out again. ''What did you...'' She trails off when she steps into the room and her eyes widen to the size of saucers. She looks around the painted room for a minute, trying to find words that won't come to her. ''Oh,'' she whispers. The sound of the door shutting alerts her to someone else's presence and when she turns around and sees him _smiling_ (she can't remember the last time she saw him smile), she can't help the small smile that dances across her lips. ''Why did you...Why did you do all this?''

''Our son's going to need someplace to sleep, isn't he?''

She picks up a teddy bear from inside the crib and clutches it to her chest. This is all very hard to process. Just this morning, he was all unattached and cold and...what changed? What changed him so quickly? And why couldn't it have changed him a few months ago? Swallowing hard, she sits down in the rocking chair and studies the bear very closely. ''How do you know it's a boy?''

''Wild guess.''

''Dean, do you...do you think this makes things all better?''

''No. But it's a start, isn't it?''

''Dean...''

''Ruby,'' he draws in a breath and takes a seat on the floor by her feet. ''Losing Sam nearly killed me. I don't think I could handle losing you or the baby.'' When she stays silent, he reaches up to take her hand, gently brushing his thumb over the silver ring on her finger. ''I know I haven't been...all there for the past few months but...everything hurts, Ruby. Sam died and we're supposed to play happy family and it scared me. I don't know how to_ be _normal and I don't know how to be without Sam. But that's not a good enough excuse for ignoring the fact that we're having a baby or the fact that you hurt too.'' He knows her better than anyone and he knows that when she closes her eyes and her fingernails dig into the teddy bear, it means she's trying her hardest not to cry. He reaches up to touch her cheek softly. ''I didn't ask you once, did I?''

''Ask me what?'' She gets out through a closing throat.

''If you were okay.''

''No. You didn't.'' She starts to shake under his touch, tears slipping down her cheeks. ''And I'm not. I'm not okay, Dean. Sam meant...''

''Yeah...'' He stands and takes her hand, pulling her up and into his arms. ''He meant...He meant...''

''He meant _everything_.''

Yeah.

That pretty much sums it up.

(Actually, it doesn't even _begin_ to.)

* * *

Eventually, it's time to move on. Sam's right. It's okay to move on.

The baby...Their _son_ helps them with that.

* * *

Like most Winchesters, he's stubborn as hell and also like most Winchesters, he is _not punctual._ The baby, who seems to have inherited that Winchester rebellious streak even in the womb, makes an appearance two weeks late.

Towards the end, Ruby gets so frustrated that one day she grabs Dean's collar and says, ''Fuck this. Do me.'' Which would have been a lot more amusing to him had they been in the safety of their own home and not in the middle of the grocery store with an old couple staring at them with open mouths and wide eyes.

''Uh...'' He gently pries her hand away from his shirt. ''What?''

''Lisa gave me a list of things that induce labor and sex is one of them. Now, you put this thing in here, now get it the fuck out.''

''As _romantic_ as that sounds, can we not talk about this in the canned goods aisle? It's making me uncomfortable.''

''You think_ you're _uncomfortable? Try being nine months pregnant with a kid who won't _get out_!''

But then her water breaks. Also, another thing she yells at him for.

''Well,_ clearly_, this is your fault. Most things are, you know.''

* * *

Their baby boy comes into the world screaming, which is yet another thing she blames him for. Even exhausted, sore and crying, she takes the time to tell him that their son's lungs are ''also your fault.'' Except that last one he's not sure about because his woman has got some mean volume.

Dean is perfectly all right with admitting that he cried. Hey, _Ruby_ cried too. That's weirder.

And now he's standing in front of the nursery, staring at the baby boy that's supposed to be his whole world now. Not that it's anything new. This little boy has been his world for awhile now. Not nearly as long as should have been though.

''Which one is yours?''

He jumps, startled by the familiar voice. ''Jesus!'' He turns his head to stare at the newcomer, lips pressed into a thin line. ''You're back.''

''Oh,'' Castiel nods and Dean swears he sees him smile. ''I see him. He looks like you.''

''Lucky kid.''

Castiel turns his head to meet Dean's eyes briefly. ''Hello, Dean. It's been awhile.''

''Yep. How's your cloud? You listen to a lot of harp music? Do you wear those ugly ass sandals all the time? Wear white after labor day? I can go all night long here, Cas.''

''Those are all stereotypes. I don't appreciate it.''

Dean smirks.

Castiel frowns and tilts his head to the side, studying the babies with critical eyes. ''Newborns are very...pink. Why is that?''

''I don't know. Ask God. So,'' Dean crosses his arms and keeps his eyes on his son. ''Did you miss me?''

Castiel rolls his eyes.

Dean laughs. ''Yeah, you missed me.''

* * *

They never talked about names. It's something they've overlooked, but after they _finally_ accepted the pregnancy and the baby (and it did take her a little longer to become perfectly all right with the fact that she was about to give up living life the way she did for a tiny little baby) there were so many other things to do that they just kept putting off names until it was too late. So, no. They've never talked seriously about baby names.

But somehow, when a nurse looks at the little boy wrapped in his mother's arms and asks what his name is, a discussion really isn't necessary.

Ruby smiles a smile he hasn't seen in awhile, with eyes that shine and Dean takes a breath. ''Sam,'' he says, looking down at the baby. ''His name is Sam.''

* * *

It's that whole 'when one life ends, another one begins' crap or whatever. The name just fits. Sam becomes Sammy in a matter of days and then it's just...life with Sammy and Ruby and moving on.

It tastes like apple pie.

* * *

Then one day, Dean forgets his wallet and Ruby practically jumps out of her skin when he opens the door.

''Dean!'' She glances around the room as if searching for someone else and then laughs, somewhat nervously, upsetting the baby in her arms. ''Wh-What are you doing here?''

''Uh...I live here?''

''No. Yes. But, I mean...what are you doing here now? Don't you have work?''

''I forgot my wallet.'' He makes a move towards the bedroom and then she's in front of him, blocking his way with a wide, kinda weird smile.

''I'll get it.'' She hands him Sammy and then turns and disappears down the hallway, leaving him...endlessly confused and a little amused if he's being honest.

With an arched eyebrow, he looks down at the baby. ''Did you think that was weird? I thought that was weird.''

''Here you go!'' Ruby chirps (again: weird) from down the hall, emerging with a bright smile and his wallet. ''Okay, here's your wallet,'' she trades the wallet for the baby and pecks his cheek. ''And have a good day.'' And now she's pushing him towards the door, which is also very, very strange. ''Fix lots of cars, try not to cut any brake lines just because you think the customer's a dick, pick up diapers on your way home and I love you. Goodbye.''

''_What_ is wrong with you, woman?''

''Nothing,'' she says quickly.

He frowns, leaning forwards to study her. He looks her up and down, meets her eyes and then looks her up and down again, effectively making her squirm. ''Are you having an affair?''

''What?''

''An affair. You know, the things you always seem to think I'm having. You doin' that?''

In a word: no. When she throws one of Sammy's toys at him and he has to duck to avoid a Batman shaped imprint on his face, he gets the message. ''Okay, okay, geez. I'm allowed to be paranoid every once in awhile. Besides, you're acting...odd.''

''I'm not acting odd,'' she snarls. ''_You're_ acting odd.''

''And you spend way too much time with me. I'm rubbing off on you. Oh! _Dirty_.''

Her lip curls in disgust and she rolls her eyes. ''Ew. Go to work.''

''Okay, but if I find out you're having an affair, I'm gonna rip his throat out.''

''Duly noted.''

He sends one last look at her, hand on the doorknob, and then shrugs it off. Whatever. Maybe being a mother has just turned her a little wacky.

* * *

Ruby waits until she's positive Dean has left before she allows herself to breathe. Holy crap, that was the most terrifying moment of her life. Well, one of them anyway. With an exhale, she looks down at her son. ''Do not take lessons from me, kid. Lying is bad.'' She shakes her head and gently places Sammy down in his bassinet. ''Okay,'' she says, standing straight and crossing her arms. ''You can come out now.''

There's an audible sigh from behind her and she turns around to face him, trying to decide between overjoyed and exasperated. ''He looks good.''

''Gettin' better every day.'' She rakes a hand through her hair and takes in a deep breath. ''How long am I going to have to lie to him?''

''Not long. I'll tell him, I will. I just...need some time.''

''Idiots. You're both idiots. I say that because I know he would do the same damn thing. _Idiots_.''

''You know,'' he says casually. ''You were acting a little odd.''

''Oh, shut up. I was flustered. This is a very flustering situation.''

''Yeah,'' he smiles. ''I missed you too.''

And damn it, that is one smile she can't keep off her lips. ''I hate you both. You make me_ smile_.''

''You love us.''

''Come on, Sam,'' she grabs his arm. ''You have a lot of explaining to do.''

**end**

* * *

**AN: And there you have it. You know...if you were wearing your slash goggles and if you were squinting a lot, there might've been some implied Dean/Cas slash. Man, I gotta do a D/C story sometime.**


	3. Lila Bray 'verse

_AN: What is this? I don't know. No. Seriously. I have no idea what this is. It's just a short spin off of the Lila Bray 'verse that I just sort of sat down and wrote today. I say spin off because the original Lila Bray 'verse was 'a ghost of you is all that i have left.' But then again, Lila Bray has popped up in so many other stories that I suppose there is no real, cemented 'verse. Also, I have to warn you that there are so many references in this story that it's not even funny. I lie. It makes me laugh. There is also an implied crossover._

_Another warning? If you've never read any of my Lila Bray stories this won't make a lick of sense._

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything.

* * *

**a million little stars spelling out your name**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

**/iii/**

_i would travel so far to get back to where you are_

(Lila Bray 'verse)

_

* * *

_

_six on the second hand till new year's resolutions  
__and there's just no question what this man should do  
__take all the time lost, all the days that i cost  
__take what i took and give it back to you  
_**-onerepublic; **_**all this time**_

_**

* * *

**_

She finds him in a dirty little bar in Milwaukee a week after Sam takes the swan dive. He's drunk enough to think that the word Milwaukee is funny, but not drunk enough to fuck anything that moves. Which has been his preference for this past week. When she sidles up to him and takes a seat next to him, ordering a drink in that soft, raspy voice he's been deprived of for a very long time, he's not even a little bit surprised. Isn't that the way these things always go? Isn't that how this started two and a half years ago?

''Hello, Dean,'' she greets, reaching forwards to place a hand on his arm.

He scowls and jerks his arm out of her reach because he's not in the mood for fake pleasantries that don't mean a thing. ''Fuck off, Ruby.''

The expression on her face grows sour and she glowers at him through her eyelashes. ''Really, Dean? That's the way we're going to play this? We haven't seen each other in over a year and _fuck off _is how you greet me?''

''Where have you been?''

She lifts one shoulder in a shrug and smiles at the bartender when he places a drink in front of her. ''Here, there, everywhere. _We_ have been traveling.'' The smile stays firmly on her lips as she brings the glass to her lips, peering at him over the rim of the dirty glass. ''If I were you,'' she drawls lazily. ''I wouldn't get so pissy. You're the one who sent us away, remember?''

''It was for your own good,'' he says stiffly, looking her up and down before ordering another drink. He meets her eyes briefly, lips drawn into a tight line. She almost seems startled by the eye contact, drawing her body away from his and hiding her face behind a curtain of blond hair. ''You look good,'' he finally says, snatching his new drink from the bar.

''Well,'' she smirks. ''At least one of us does. Because _you_, honey, look like shit.''

''Don't call me that.''

''You look old and battle weary.''

''War tends to do that to people.''

''Don't worry, soldier. I'd still fuck you.''

''Thanks,'' he mutters dryly.

A frown etches its way onto her lips and he thinks for a second that he might actually see real concern hiding away in those blue irises of hers. She leans closer; he holds his breath. Her blond hair tickles his shoulder and her fingers graze his. When her lithe fingers hook around his, he can't help but think they've been here before. A long time ago. Before Hell and before everything got so completely and utterly fucked. When it was just Dean, Sam and the beautiful demoness who fucked Dean into forgetting his fear. (He doesn't want to admit it, but he's pretty sure he had been falling for her.) ''I heard about Sam,'' she whispers. ''I'm sorry.''

His throat begins to close up. He takes another drink and sighs when it doesn't take the edge off like it's supposed to do. ''I don't want to talk about Sam,'' he says through gritted teeth.

She huffs impatiently and pulls away from him, downing the rest of her drink. ''Fine. We'll talk about me. You know how much I greatly enjoy talking about myself.''

For about a fraction of a second, his lips quirk into a half smile.

''She likes to travel. I don't. She thinks it's exciting. I think it's tiring. But what she really wants is a home and you. Like I said, after you found out about us and sent us away for our _safety,_ we traveled. We went to Paris for awhile, but since I don't have access to a money tree, we left. We spent some time on a small, secluded island off the coast of Seattle, but I thought it had a weird vibe so we left. Next was LA. The damn sun shined every fucking day and neither of us enjoyed that. Then there was a small town in Ohio which we had to leave pretty quickly after I took out a spirit who either thought he was Freddy Kruger or was just a really, really messed up dude. From there we went to New York. She loved New York, but hated the people. I didn't blame her. The young rich bitches who didn't know their left from their right and their weak, sycophantic boyfriends got on my nerves. After that, there was a wacky little town in Virginia where I got involved with a guy who reminded me of you. Hard on the outside - ''

''Dirty.''

'' - Soft on the inside. He was great with her and he definitely knew his way around me in bed. But he had secrets. I don't like secrets. Plus, he wasn't who I wanted and I wasn't who he wanted so we parted ways. Also, my first priority always has to be her and that town had a weird amount of animal attacks. I thought I was in Twilight there for awhile.''

He takes a breath and turns to look at her. ''And then?''

''Isn't it obvious?'' She smiles and shakes her head, laughter hiding in her voice. He thinks that sounds familiar too. ''And then I decided to come back to you. Isn't that how it's supposed to end?''

He swallows.

He's pretty sure he's heard this song before. She's like a star. She burns bright and hot. She's beautiful to look at, but always too far away to touch. And now she's sitting right next to him and all it took was the world nearly ending. ''You know what would have been nice?'' He asks hoarsely. ''A call every once and awhile. Pictures of her. Some kind of contact. I said what I said because I wanted you both to be safe. I needed you to be safe. But that's...She's...''

''I know.'' Her smile grows shaky and sad. ''I know why you did it. When you found out that bitch had been playing you for a year and you tracked me down and found out about her, you told me to leave and never come back to keep her safe. I moved her around, never stayed in one place for more than a few months and stayed away from you to keep her safe. We did it all for her, Dean. Although,'' she laughs to cut the tension, arching a perfect eyebrow and sending him a smirk. ''I do wish your wording had been better. I get you were terrified she would get hurt and I know break ups can be rough but your whole speech was a little extreme, don't you think?''

''Breaking up kinda requires you to be in a relationship first. Which we weren't.''

''We were before you died.''

''That wasn't really a relationship.''

''If we were never in a relationship then why did you give me this the last time you saw me?'' She plucks something from her pocket and tosses it onto the grimy bar top.

He eyes the silver ring for a moment with pursed lips and then he sighs and looks away from it. ''It wasn't for you. It was for her.''

''We had a kid together, Dean. At some point in time, we were in a relationship.'' When he opens his mouth to protest once again, she leans impossibly close and locks eyes with him, holding his gaze like only she can. ''If we were never in a relationship, tell me you weren't falling in love with me.''

Since he's too drunk to lie, he takes another swig of bitter alcohol and snatches the ring off the bar. ''Why do you even care?''

She averts her eyes and plays with her empty glass. ''Because,'' she says softly. ''I was falling in love with you.''

He looks over at her sharply, unsure of what he's supposed to do with that statement.

She shakes it off; still smiling like it's not a revelation or something surprising. Like it's something that should just be common knowledge. ''Let's face it, short bus. We're mismatched and volatile, but you're the only one I see and I know you have a picture of us - your little secret family - in your wallet and we made the most amazing little girl together.'' She shrugs and her hand comes to rest on his knee. ''We're how it ends, babe.''

He hesitates. ''How is Lila Bray?'' He asks after a moment goes by.

He watches her eyes light up for a brief second at the sound of her daughter's name before she recovers and clears her throat. ''She's good. I left her with Bobby for a few days while I tracked you down. She's been...She's been asking about her dad lately.'' She pauses and allows a fake laugh to escape her lips. It gets caught in her throat somewhere and the equally fake smile slips off her lips. ''Actually, if I'm being honest she's been asking about you since she could talk.''

''And...what do you tell her?''

''I tell her.'' She looks down, lips turned downwards in a frown. ''I tell her that her dad loves her very much, but he can't be with us. I tell her that it's not time for him to be with us.''

His chest tightens.

''She doesn't know you,'' she admits quietly, almost regretfully. ''But she knows that she loves you. She wants you in her life. _I_ want you in her life.'' She takes the drink from his hand, grasps his hands tightly and meets his eyes, looking like a woman on a mission. ''So what's it gonna be, soldier? Is it time to be with us?''

He looks at her for a long time before he reacts on gut instinct. He disentangles his hands from hers, brushes his fingers across her cheek and leans in to kiss her on the lips softly. She kisses back with fervor, fingers reaching out to clutch at his shirt. She still tastes the same as she did back then and her skin still feels like home under his fingertips. He pulls away eventually, resting his forehead on hers. ''All those places you've been...'' he rasps out. ''...Which one did she like the best?''

She looks up at him with hopeful eyes. ''Virginia,'' she says. ''She liked Virginia. Maybe not that exact same town, but...Virginia's a nice place to raise a little girl like her.''

He stands, looks away from her briefly and then looks at the ring in the palm of his hand. The world won't end and Sam won't come home, but he's got a daughter he wants to know and a woman he dreams about when he closes his eyes at night. It's not enough to fill the hole Sam left behind. But it's a start.

He offers her a smirk that he hasn't worn in ages and throws the ring right back at her, holding out his hand for her to take. ''Then let's go to Virginia, Ruby.''

_all this time we were waiting for each other  
__all this time i was waiting for you  
__we got all these words, can't waste them on another  
__so i'm straight in a straight line running back to you  
_**-onerepublic; **_**all this time**_

**end**

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**AN: Not much. But I thought it was cute.**

**So the implied crossover was with The Vampire Diaries and the references came in when Ruby was talking about where she and Bray had traveled. Every place she mentioned had something to do with a movie or TV show Katie has been on since being on Supernatural. And now I like the idea of her and Bray traveling the world so much that I am literally fighting myself trying not to write it.**


End file.
